I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
