I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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