You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
