i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
