Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
