There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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