Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
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