Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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