Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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