apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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