did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
