It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
