lol you are funny thanks bro I'll take you to a strip club
I don't wanna go to a strip club I'd rather get my boobs free or earn them from a series of good deeds
Ha! What's wrong with that? Hard work deserves compensation. I accept cash, checks, and boobies!
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
