Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
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