Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
i dont even know how to be here
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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