dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
