I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
