I have demons in me.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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