Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
