Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Randomize
