life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i permit you to call me
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
