Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
