beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
Randomize
