Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
