Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
