The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Randomize
