at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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