white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
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