the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
