I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Randomize
