there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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