that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
