This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Randomize
