please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
