i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
