I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
You are the jesus of drinking
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
