at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Randomize
