I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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