The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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