No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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