we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
