I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
