i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
