speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Randomize
