I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
