I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
Are my feet made of real feet?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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