fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
