we made out on top of his cat.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
