Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
Randomize
