Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
