life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I'm drive I can fine osifer
apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Its not low standards. We're more of like a self esteem camp for average girls
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
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