shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
