people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
