I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
